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Yesterday, Ted Koppel announced he was leaving his anchorship at Nightline after 25 years. "I really don't think there's anything else at ABC I would find as interesting or as challenging," Koppel said in an interview, adding: "Of course it's difficult. . . . It will be very hard to leave friends and colleagues behind. But in the words of an old song, you've gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em."
In a surprise move, ABC News President David Westin said his "first choice" was to hire Doug VB (Virgin Boy) Goudie of Fox 25 Boston. Westin cited VB's undulating triple chin, veiled bigotry, and simpleton antics as his main qualifications. Rupert Murdoch was thrilled by the extension of his tentacles into ABC News.
After commuting to the Beacon Hill studio from his crap shack in Petersham, VB immediately attacked the green room spread. Half way through eating a sloppy joe, VB was informed of his unprecedented hiring. In true sully fashion VB exclaimed "f*cking sweet dude!" VB is renowned for nothing but being a pathetic blow hard with an intervenous fudge drip that is paraded on Fox morning news to court the wake-and-bake crowd.
At press time, Disney's Board of Directors called an emergency meeting to discuss the hiring. Polls show that giving such a corpulent chowderhead more airtime will hasten the decline of western civilation.
Thankfully, this is April Fools Day and VB's hopes for credibility will never sniff Nightline.
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