We here at Bostonist have chosen not to do a play-by-play of this past weekend’s Sox series against the Yankees. We’ve decided to take the high road and analyze who the hell we can blame for the awfulness that ensued against New York. While some look to Varitek’s absence as a major reason for losing, we’ve heard others point fingers at a slew of people. Could it be the grounds crew and their lack of pizzazz in cutting the grass? Is it Theo and his lack of trading in July that now has us screwed? Or is it even the Fenway Frank worrying about its new competitor, the “Patriots First Down Beef Frank”?

Sox fans are indeed crushed and the local media has made it even worse by branding the series with the catchy phrase “ Boston Massacre”. Bostonist has decided to see if these massacres are really all that different.

Sam Adams and the Whigs name it the “Boston Massacre” for propaganda purposes.
Boston sports media name it the “Boston Massacre” in hopes of selling more papers this morning.

It all begins when a wigmaker’s apprentice calls out to a British Officer that he hasn’t paid his bill at the shop.
Game one starts off with a few boos with Johnny Damon at the top of the batting order, followed by a few “Jeter Sucks” comments thrown in for fun.

After a British guard hits the apprentice over the head, the fighting begins with a mob throwing stones, snow, sticks, etc.
While the fans are throwing hissy fits and chugging beers, the series remains pretty low key with no bench clearing brawls in sight.

After the fighting ends, five civilians had been killed, with six wounded.
After the five game series, five players are destroyed. Lester heads down to Pawtucket, Johnson is leaving town indefinitely, Beckett pouts over a bad game, Manny pulls a hamstring, and Papelbon gets pissed.

The Massacre incites the colonists to stand up against the British and eventually leads to the American Revolutionary War.
This awful series will infuriate the Sox, who will get their act together in a nine game West Coast road trip. They will go on to win the AL East, leaving the Yankees behind to wonder where it all went wrong (end dream sequence).

Engraving of Boston Massacre by Paul Revere