New Tube: New Year's Eve TV

Not feeling up for First Nighting? Unable to get to New York City to watch the ball drop in person? As usual, the TV networks are more than willing to provide you with the kind of entertainment that will drive you to drink. Here's the lineup:

WGBH 2 (PBS): Garrison Keillor's New Year's Eve Special. 10 pm. This one's for those of you who are feeling civilized.

WBZ 4 (CBS): Local First Night Special. The only local broadcast of First Night. 11:30 pm.

WCVB 5 (ABC): The unholy alliance of Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest is sure to produce several laughs in the "so bad, it's good" department. In fact, it might be "so bad, it's worse" since there will be more Seacrest than Clark. 11:30 pm.

WHDH 7 (NBC): According to the latest schedule, WHDH appears to be dumping Carson Daly for the news and the Packers vs. Bears game. You'll never miss him. But, if you have a hankering for Carson Daly, you twisted soul, you can catch his show at 11:30 on CNBC, MSNBC, and Bravo. (No, Bravo! Not you, too! This is corporate synergy gone too far.)

WFXT 13 (FOX): New Year's Eve '06. Alas, VB won't be hanging out in a party hat. This is a national broadcast hosted by Cat Deeley. Never heard of her? Bostonist hadn't either, but she's an English TV host, and she hosted So You Think You Can Dance. The mere fact that she's neither Ryan Seacrest nor Carson Daly makes her all the more appealing. 11 pm.

MTV: MTV Goes Gold. The only reason this is remotely interesting is that MTV claims revelers will be "decked out in their classiest 24-karat gold attire." Ah, yes, MTV rings in the New Year with conspicuous consumption! 11 pm.

Court TV: Cops: Naked Perps. Leave it to Court TV to trump everyone when it comes to tacky. If some people play their cards right at First Night, they might wind up on a new edition of this show. 12 midnight.

FOX News Channel: All-American New Year. What, are they making people bring their birth certificates to prove they were born in the states? And are they going to be broadcasting from Salt Lake City? (Oh, that was bad, but Bostonist couldn’t resist.) 11 pm.

CNN: Anderson Cooper, CNN's top sex magnet and possibly the biggest babe in the whole New Year's Eve TV lineup save for Garrison Keillor (a joke, people!), will be wielding his steely gaze at Times Square. 11 pm.

Image of an animated Anderson Cooper taken from CNN. You can watch the confetti fall on him again and again if you are so inclined.