When it comes to Oscar fashion, we prefer to watch the red carpet arrivals on mute. Bostonist doesn't care who people were wearing. Bostonist doesn't care for the backstory. We just care whether or not people look good.

And very few people looked good this year. In fact, they looked either rotten or boring. You'd think these stars would have the money to make themselves look good. And you'd think they'd have the money to eat a decent meal. You could have picked your teeth with best supporting actress nominee Rinko Kikuchi's skinny arms.

In terms of dresses, Helen Mirren was indeed hot. She looks like she eats, occasionally, too. No wonder Jack Black, Will Ferrell, and John C. Reilly sang that they wanted Mirren to go home with them!

The scrawny starlets who should fire their stylists include:
--Kirsten Dunst, who needs to be reminded that she is no longer 10 years old. When Abigail Breslin is wearing a more mature dress than you are, you really need to re-evaluate.
--Jessica Biel, who forgot her double-sided tape at home
--Penelope Cruz, who made her skirt out of leftover Kleenex
--Jennifer Hudson, whom we rooted for but who showed up wearing a scrap of a spacesuit across her shoulders
--Cameron Diaz, who looks like an angry bride dressed her in the world's ugliest bridesmaid's dress
--Kelly Preston, who dared to wear leopard print. Never, never, never. Boy, she brought in a whiff of the trailer park to the red carpet. (Now we're hoping the Scientologists don't come after us.)
--Anne Hathaway, who took "black tie" way too literally

We don't intend to be bitchy. We just have high standards since these people are paid to look good. A few dresses were winners - Mirren, for example. Cate Blanchett also can either choose her own clothes or has a stylist she can trust. Surprisingly, J. Lo showed up in a lovely Grecian gown. It's a pity that her stylist didn't keep her away from the hot rollers and AquaNet.

For the men, we must stay loyal and go with Mark Wahlberg. Though we really wanted to throw Will Ferrell to the floor and either a) tear that silly wig off his head or b) shave that head. Then we'd give the hair to Jack Nicholson.

Spectrum of ugliness from left to right - Kelly Preston, Kirsten Dunst, Cameron Diaz, and Helen Mirren. All images are from dlisted.com. If we didn't reveal the nasty dresses here, you can find round one of fugly dresses here and round two of fugly dresses here.