--Meet Dirus Gaines, a man with an iron constitution. Mr. Gaines' seemingly lifeless body was found by the railroad tracks on Wednesday afternoon in Framingham. Gaines exhibited all the signs of being dead – no movement, eyes rolled back in head, odd position of body.

Then, Gaines "suddenly" awakened and displayed his beverage of choice, a bottle of blackberry brandy. And here's the best part – Gaines is awfully lively when he's not completely pickled: "Gaines flirted repeatedly with Channel 5 reporter Gail Huff who was there for another story, offering up his number and calling the mother of 'American Idol' singer Ayla Brown 'adorable.'"

The Metrowest Daily News wins the headline award for this one: "Not Dead, Just Dead Drunk, Cops Say." And we have to ask -why do these stories always come out of Framingham? Framingham police spokesman Paul Shastany has had to put up with a lot this week, including the dude who almost blew up a garbage truck with his meth-lab waste.

--Brookline looks so nice and tidy. Sometimes, people there even stop for you if you're in the crosswalk. But, beneath that nice surface lies the occasional Peeping Tom. The blotter of the other BPD notes two unpleasant incidents:

1. On Washington Street, a woman noticed that a man was looking up her skirt. When she turned around, he tried to play coy by pretending to tie his shoe. (Is there a Peeping Tom School, or what?) The victim provided an exceedingly detailed image of The Peeper, and police found him in Mission Hill. He's facing a charge of Disorderly Conduct and Being a Creep.

2. In a scarier incident, a creep actually reached out and touched a woman in the elevator, so she was stuck with the jerk until the doors opened. Judging from the description on the blotter, the man was a real charmer: "A creepy white male who is described as completely bald with no facial hair wearing a collared shirt with a vertical stripe."

On the bright side, at least the Brookline Blotter has mostly mild crimes, such as "malicious damage" to a flower pot.

--We try to stay out of the business of our neighboring New England states – but it seems that Machete Fever has spread to them as well. In Milford, New Hampshire, 18-year-old Cortland Burke was arrested for flipping out and striking 20-year-old Crosden Archuleta in the head and arm with a machete. The machete attack left Archuleta with a fractured skull.

--Good news. The state's Executive Office of Public Safety and security is giving $3 million in grants to anticrime programs.

All charges alleged until proven under law. You're looking at the mugshot of Mr. Dirus Gaines, who sets a new standard for public drunkenness.