A hot-pink color scheme. A dead ringer for Kate Bosworth on the cover. A first chapter that opens with lyrics from Loverboy's "Workin' for the Weekend." No kidding. Restless Virgins, a book on the Milton Academy sex scandal, just screams, "Bourgeois sex! Bourgeois sex! Yippee skippy!"

The sex scandal in question didn't involve teachers (Exhibit A: Arlington's school system) but a 2005 incident in which one girl was - ahem - orally satisfying the sexual needs of five hockey players and got caught doing it. The young men were expelled, and three were charged with statutory rape, but they were eventually let off. This episode led to parents running around as if their hair were on fire wondering what went wrong. Restless Virgins capitalizes on that fear and throws in all the salacious details as a bonus. The authors, Abigail Jones and Marissa Miley, who attended Milton Academy a few years before the sex scandal, interviewed students about their sex habits, slapped pseudonyms on them, and chronicled every last hookup and hoedown during the 2005 school year.

Barstool Sports took some time out from celebrating Hayden Panetierre's 18th birthday to let Jones and Miley in on a little secret: "Kids in high school bang." And in one sentence, they basically summed up the book, but we'd change the Barstool Sports statement just a little bit: "A few Milton Academy kids bang a lot."

What Jones and Miley are talking about isn't particularly shocking - it's just another version of bourgeois porn. Julia Reischel at the Weekly Dig reminds the world that public exhibitionism is nothing new and references Studio 54 and Woodstock. So, if Milton Academy is just the latest in a long tradition of licentious behavior (and Bostonist believes it is), how is the sex in the book?

Bad. Joyless. Annoying. Like reading all the supposedly "good parts" of I Am Charlotte Simmons. This screamingly trashy read will satisfy all of your nasty impulses, but it's not exactly fun. The sex-regret-lather-rinse-repeat bit gets old after a while.

Even if the authors really do have parents' best interests at heart, the real message of the book - and the one no one is mentioning - is that young women need to have higher standards. The book suggests that the female Milton Academy students are willing to have sex with any hockey-playing putz with a popped collar. Peer pressure is intense at that age, and it's not like Jones and Miley have uncovered anything new, but these female students could be doing a lot better for themselves.

Another unspoken shock behind Restless Virgins might be the suggestion that the kids of the American elite, the ones who will inherit the nation's mantle of leadership, are as messed-up as the public school kids and "the poors." In fact, the kids of the American elite might be worse because a) the kids themselves are drunk on their own privilege or b) the authors are drunk on the very thought of these kids' privilege. One post-hockey-sex-scandal passage illustrates this sense of entitlement beautifully:

Reed coveted the privileges that he and his teammates enjoyed, and now their world was crumbling. Where was the respect for hockey players? What happened to the prestige? Why wasn't anyone turning a blind eye? At other prep schools, Reed thought, hockey guys were adored. At Milton, their power no longer counted.

Excuse us while we get our tiny violins. Reed - or all the boys who make up the character "Reed" is in a serious state of denial. If the stories in Restless Virgins are true, then a significant percentage of Milton Academy teens are like the people audiences see each week on COPS. Perhaps worse. (One teen described in the book appears to be a chronic drunk driver and is very lucky he didn't kill anyone.) It's also a shame, too, because Milton must be turning out bright students, and they probably want to crawl under a rock right now.

One of the subjects told a Globe writer: "I was definitely under the impression that it would be tasteful, appropriate, academic, more like a sociological study. It's a sexualized version of events they chose to show. I feel extremely stupid for talking to them." Tasteful? Oh, dear. What do they teach at Milton? She should feel stupid. A word to the wise - if an interviewer is asking for more details about your Basement Party, your Eiffel Tower, your Pastrami Sandwich, or whatever lingo you are using for sex these days, then chances are, the final product won't be tasteful.

Book cover from Amazon. All charges of Basement Parties, Eiffel Towers, Pastrami Sandwiches, and overprivilege alleged until proven in the court of public opinion.