Boston Comedy Festival Preliminary Rounds
--Monday, October 8, Comedy Connection, Faneuil Hall, 7:00 and 9:00 pm
--Tuesday, October 9, Comedy Connection, Faneuil Hall, 7:00 and 9:00 pm
--Wednesday, October 10, Comedy Connection, Faneuil Hall, 7:00 and 9:00 pm
All tickets for the preliminaries are $15

The comics rush up onstage and change right before your eyes. One moment, they gaze into the camera and at the audience like classic deer before headlines. Then, an internal switch flips on, and they transform into a practiced, smooth comedian, firing off as many jokes as possible within a measly five minutes.

Welcome to the Boston Comedy Festival Contest, a crucial event for comedians hunting for a break. Judge Richard Laham described a single round of the BCF contest as "probably the worst five minutes of their lives." Laham and his fellow judges swiftly evaluate each contestant based on stage presence, originality, audience response, and the judge's personal opinion. Laham made clear that no matter how good a comic's jokes, if they can't warm up within five minutes, they get the hook.

Not only do the comics face the pressure of the time limit, but they also must deal with tremendous distractions. For starters, Dick's Beantown Comedy Vault is packed wall to wall with people who want to see the next big comic. Hecklers are already sharpening their fangs. And a man sits in the corner with a flashlight, shining it into your face when the five minutes are up and launching into a strobe-light frenzy if you dare to push your time to the limit.

Two preliminary rounds of the contest flew by last night as comics rushed the stage. We provide descriptions of the winners so you know who to watch during the semifinals and finals, and we'll also tell you who got robbed. Only two comics from each preliminary will move on to the next round, and, even if they didn't make it to the semis, so some richly deserving comedians are bound to get left out, which makes it all the more important to check out the prelims.

Preliminary Round One

The Winners: Dan Sally, Victor Varnado, Baratunde Thurston (a tie means the people who tied go to the next round, although the audience isn't told who actually tied)

Sally comes from the Observational School of Comedy. In one bit, he notes that the sign "Drive Slow--Deaf Child" has been up in his neighborhood for over thirty years, and he wonders when that kid is going to grow up. Varnado doesn't do the laid-back, slacker-comic routine. He hit the stage like a whirlwind, informing the audience that, yes, he is a black albino, and, yes, there is a gold mine of humor to dig from that situation. For example, he likes to flaunt the fact that he can catch as many cabs as he wants. Bostonist is a regular reader of the Dig's own Baratunde, and he brought out some of his best column lines with a snappy delivery.

Who Got Robbed: Esther Ku

Ku works this wacky Asian Stoner Valley Girl routine that is wildly vulgar and so funny that you might start crying in the middle of her routine. She was also one of the few comedians who had the audience laughing--and not in that polite way--as soon as she stepped on the stage. The line, "These balls are huge, and oh-so-furry!" rattled on in our heads after the show. When she didn't make it, many audience members were visibly surprised. She'll be performing tonight as part of the Funniest Females Show at Dick's Beantown Comedy Vault at 9:00 pm.

Preliminary Round Two

The Winners: Brian Longwell and Mike Whitman

Bostonist got scared when Longwell arrived on the stage with an overhead projector. That couldn't possibly be a good sign. But then he launched into an old-school liberal comedy route with crudely drawn projector notes. His routine bore a strong resemblance to Mort Sahl's trick of slapping faces of world leaders on a continuum of conservative to liberal, but the audience fell in love with his "Pizza Paradox Theory" of democracy. Whitman wasn't political, but he had some brilliant lines. He captured what people feel when they drive into New Hampshire and realize the people up there don't seem quite right. He admitted that he sees New Hampshire as "Texas Chainsaw Massacre with a New England Twist--they're gonna dip my ass in molasses first!"

Who Got Robbed: Stewart Huff and Nicole Blizek

Now we know that not everyone is going to make it, but Huff in particular showed up with a structured routine that wasn't just a string of jokes. He riffed about homeless people and how he gives to them for creativity, and then he delivered stories of increasing dollar value in which he was persuaded to give. But he was in the Boston Comedy Festival finals in 2006, so maybe the judges were looking for something new. Blizek was a little slow to warm up, but she won us over with impeccable timing. She also expressed exactly how Bostonist feels when it comes to Louis Vuitton handbags: "A Louis Vuitton handbag says to the world--fuck you, poor people!"

You might think that the Boston Comedy Festival preliminaries serve merely to separate the wheat from the chaff, but, aside from a few obvious duds, the competition is fierce, and the preliminary contest rounds will reveal hungry comics who are clearly not resting on their laurels.

Image of Victor Varnado by Rick Guidotti. Image of Esther Ku from the Boston Comedy Festival. Image of Brian Longwell from his website.