Mike of The Food Monkey has joined Bostonist to share his thoughts about cooking, food history, restaurant trends, and any other Epicurean issues. He promises to discuss what tastes good, but not always what is in good taste. For more, go to the Food Monkey website. To contact Mike, go to the Food Monkey's contact page.

In friendly competition, one attempts to best one’s opponent–so long as it doesn’t happen to cause too much of an inconvenience. This is in stark contrast to the ardor of true heroic battle, during which one strives to destroy the enemy to the core–leaving them a brittle hollow carapace of their former glory. In the mid-16th century, native Tupinambás of Brazil used to take this to the extreme by actually consuming their (mostly Portuguese) enemies. This not only was the ultimate statement of victory, but also a way of honoring a valiant foe by physically incorporating their essence into the bodies of the victors.

Now, I have been to Portugal, and as lovely as the people there are, I’ll have to pass on actually integrating them into my diet. However, the Tupinambás do have the right idea when it comes to the boldness of the statement of consuming your opposition. As a way helping the practically flawless New England Patriots wage war on their opponents, I have decided to institute the policy of throwing a party to watch the football game and serving up the regional food of whatever team the Patriots are playing.

Think of it. How much more fun will Sundays be when you have some new exciting cuisine to look forward to, even if the game is a bust? Baltimore Ravens? Crab cakes. Miami Dolphins? Cuban sandwiches. Green Bay? Assorted cheese platters. Washington? Stuffed red potato skins. The Jets? Ratatouille, or maybe mashed potatoes. With The Food Monkey Regional Football Meal Program, you too can increase your joy of the football season regardless of how much your team stinks (not that we in New England know what that’s like)!

Post contributed by Mike Prerau. Find out how the first experiment in the Food Monkey Regional Football Meal Program turned out, discover what happens when Larry David meets Cheez Whiz, and get a recipe for Philly Cheese Steaks after the jump!

Anyhow, since the Pats were slated to play the Philadelphia Eagles, I decided to throw a cheese steak party. As anyone who has been to Philadelphia knows, there is only one way to serve a cheese steak, and that is to make it a Whiz wit’, which is shaved steak served with sautéed onions and a healthy dose of Cheez Whiz. For those unfamiliar with the product, Cheez Whiz is the Cadillac of the processed cheese family, and is a lovely accompaniment to such delicacies as potted meat and saltines. Commensurate with its lofty pedigree, Cheez Whiz is indeed the traditional South Philly topping for a cheese steak, and rests majestically like a viscous orange sunset on a halcyon sea of shaved beef. You can almost hear the ancients cry, “O crusty firmament! Cradle this Whiz against thy whole-grain bosom and I shall proclaim the gospel of cholesterol to the masses!”

With divinity behind me, I struck out to the grocery store to gather the ingredients for this simple recipe:

Mike’s Simple Cheese Steak (serves 5-10)

Ingredients

3 packages of shaved steak
6 large onions
3 packages of mushrooms
2 jars of Cheez Whiz
3-4 loaves of crusty French or whole grain bread
Montreal steak seasoning
Mixed peppercorns
Salt
Olive oil

Directions

Peel the onions and cut in half. Slice up the onions into thin half-rings.
Place in a large pan or wok. Sprinkle liberally with Montreal Steak seasoning, and add a pinch of salt and freshly ground pepper.
Sautée in olive oil over medium-high heat for 5 minutes.
Clean and slice the mushrooms and add to the pan. Cook for 10-15 more minutes, or until the onions have cooked down.
Add the steak and incorporate it into mix. You might have to separate the steak strips depending on the mode of packaging. Cook until steak has browned. Season to taste.
Cut up the bread into sub-sized sections and slice down the middle. Coat both sides GENEROUSLY with Whiz.
Add the steak mix, let it sit a bit to melt the Whiz, and enjoy.

In preparation for the feast I had my first experience with what can only be called a Reverse Larry David Moment. Before the party I stopped at Shaw’s super market to purchase all the proper building blocks for a cheese steak edifice. It all transpired when I had gathered all but the most necessary of ingredients, the Cheez Whiz. I had circled the store a dozen times but had been unable to locate those tubs of synthetic orange goodness. I turned to the first Shaw’s employee that I saw and asked him where I could find the Cheez Whiz. The employee, who happened to be African-American, turned to me and said “You need to go to the cracker aisle!” For a microsecond I paused, speechless, and then realized that of course, he meant the cracker aisle, as in “cheese and crackers” and that he was not, in fact, commenting on me or the type of people who might enjoy cheese whiz as a quotidian repast.

I finally was able to find the Whiz, and with all the ingredients in place, I went home to prepare the cheese steak feast. I set up a veggie station and a bread and Whiz station and laid everything out buffet style so that everyone could make their own sandwich. All ten guests chowed down on the cheese steak to their hearts’ content, and the only criticism I got about the cheese steaks’ authenticity (from a long-time Philly resident) was that the mushrooms were far too fresh and that I was not a large grizzled South Philly man.

So armed with our culinary weapons, we all watched the Patriots squeeze out their tightest victory yet, and had a great time with our food–regardless of how into watching the game each person happened to be. The Food Monkey Regional Meal Program was a great success, though we didn’t get the decisive victory that we were hoping for. Maybe we should have gone with Scrapple instead…then perhaps we wouldn’t have had to eat humble pie for dessert (I mean, we won by only 3!).

Next week is Baltimore. Time to bring out the crab pot and the Old Bay seasoning!