The Joiner: Poly Boston

The word "poly" is the common abbreviation for "polyamory," a lifestyle that allows for multiple committed relationships with the full knowledge and consent of all participants. It's largely been defined by the Web. As a term, "polyamory" is relatively new -- it was first included in the Oxford English Dictionary in 2006 -- and only came into widespread use in the 1990s, with the internet newsgroup alt.polyamory. (Some dispute exists regarding its coinage.) But, its practitioners claim that polyamory goes beyond terminology.

"I was 'polyamorous' before the word existed," said Alan Wexelblat, a longstanding member of Poly Boston. "The net is one of those things that allows people with a like interest to find each other." And, polyamory is at least one case where the internet allowed people to give their common interest a name.

Polyamory is not the only interest that members of Poly Boston share. Many are active in science fiction fandom, for example. And, since they are overwhelmingly tech professionals (with a massage therapist here and a social worker there), members might spend more time talking about life behind a desk than life with multiple partners.

"It's really a good chance to socialize with likeminded people. We're all operating outside the mainstream in certain ways, and we can just sort of be comfortable with each other," said a ten year Poly Boston member who insisted on anonymity.

This comfort comes from socializing in a group where the idea of polyamory doesn't have to be taught. After all, it's an idea beset by misconceptions -- the chief of which is that polyamory means free sex.

"It's easy for people to jump from the idea that I have two girlfriends to 'I'm easy,' which isn't true," said Jonathan Woodward.

Indeed, when the Boston Herald ran an article about the group in 2006, it paraded that very stereotype. The group blames the Herald for taking quotes out of context and for attracting the undesirable attention of sexual tourists.

"They were going to print sensationalism whether we gave it to them or not," said one member.

"The Diesel staff got a certain amount of creeps looking for sex," said Jonathan Woodward.

But for many members of Poly Boston, sex is a secondary consideration. Anybody can have sex with multiple partners. That's what swingers do, or husbands cheating during a business trip on their wives. Polyamorists stress their relationships, and members of Poly Boston are in relationships with three, four, even six people.

"It's all about the relationships," said Michelle. "There are times when intimacy does include sex, and times when it doesn't."

But misunderstandings do persist, even among educated professionals. Many lawyers and therapists don't understand the problems polyamory causes, or, just as importantly, the problems that it doesn't cause. (Wexelblat has a column explaining the difference.) Poly Boston directs members to a database poly friendly professionals.

"Some [therapists] will say, 'You say you have these problems, but maybe poly is the problem,'" said Michelle. "It's like in the past when they would say 'Being gay is the problem' or 'Being an introvert is the problem.' They blame what is different."

And sometimes, even therapists who are not hostile to polyamory will be ineffective. Barbara Woodward, Jonathan's wife, described one such experience. "I spent so much time explaining and defining polyamory that I wasn't getting any therapy!" she complained.

The Woodwards call themselves "Poly Poster Children" and do some outreach. Jonathan has a business card with a definition of polyamory and URLs for resources; Barbara is open about poly in her workplace. They both wear pins with the Greek letter pi, which has become a symbol of poly pride. Poly Boston has a float in the Boston Pride parade, and members give panels on polyamory at the annual Arisia science fiction convention. But the group doesn't do much evangelizing.

"We hosted a small discussion group at our house," said Barbara Woodward, "and got the idea that most of us were too laid back for poly advocacy."

"Don't you mean lazy?" Wexelblat joked.

While ignorance of polyamory does cause problems for some polyamorous people -- courts have been known to take children from multiple partner households -- they don't face the same problems that led to the development of queer politics in the sixties and the eighties. Police aren't raiding the Poly Boston meetings at Diesel, and, unless you count Herald reporters and snarky hipsters on the internet, nobody in Boston is bashing them. There isn't a killer virus decimating the poly community, like AIDS did to gay men in the eighties. The urgency isn't there.

"In the 80s, identity politics was a matter of life and death," said Wexelblat. "When you couldn't get treatment for HIV/AIDS because it meant coming out - identity was killing people. As poly people, nowadays we have issues around coming out -- such as concerns about children -- but it's not on the same scale."

So, overwhelmingly, Poly Boston serves as a forum to discuss shared interests that aren't polyamory. Science fiction novels were scattered across the tables at Diesel last night. ("Are you actually reading that? That's the novel that almost made me not like Iain Banks," quipped one member.) Topics like "compersion," which Jonathan Woodward defined as "the feeling of happiness you get when you watch your loved one being happy with someone else," are simply the norm. Polyamory is the background for everything else.

"I don't often feel jealous," said Barbara Woodward. "But when I do, it's never about physical affection. Once it was about comic books. He was geeking with a girlfriend about comic books, not a topic I know much on, and I felt left out. The important thing when that happens is to talk about it."