Mike of The Food Monkey shares his thoughts about cooking, food history, restaurant trends, and any other Epicurean issues. He promises to discuss what tastes good, but not always what is in good taste. For more on consuming the opponents and other food news, go to the Food Monkey website. To contact Mike, go to the Food Monkey's contact page.
After a long hiatus filled with flurries, football, food, and fireworks, I resume my series on consuming the opposition with The Food Monkey Regional Football Meal Program, about serving the regional food of the team against which the Patriots are playing. You can view previous weeks here and here. Over the next few days, I will endeavor to catch up and review the weeks I missed, which lead to the first 16-0 regular season record in NFL history.
The first game was against the NY Jets. This was the night of the giant blizzard, so my grand plans for a pastrami and knish fiesta with lots of friends were trampled to dust. However, I was able to do the next best NY thing…get cheap Chinese food.
“What is this cheap Chinese food of which you speak?” you may ask. How does one acquire this exotic delicacy from the orient? Just follow this simple recipe:
Mike’s Recipe for New York-Style Chinese Food
Ingredients
--1 telephone
--2-3000 Chinese take-out menus
Directions
--Spread out take-out menus all over a large coffee table or the floor.
--Wade through them for about 20-30 minutes before decided on the take-out place that has the proper balance of delivery time, cost, and low chance of intestinal parasites.
--Pick up phone and dial. Experienced chefs will undoubtedly already have the restaurant on speed dial.
--Wait 20-40 minutes, factoring in restaurant proximity, hour, and weather conditions.
--Pay the delivery guy, and enjoy.
I ended up ordering from Dragon Wok in Allston. Kudos for delivering in the blizzard!
Post contributed by Mike Prerau. Cautionary tale about why you should never assume anything about your delivery guy after the jump! Image from the Food Monkey. Food Monkey.
The best story I’ve ever heard regarding Chinese take-out occurred to a friend of mine who, for soon to be obvious reasons, will remain anonymous. This person–let’s call her Larissa–had, according to the aforementioned recipe, ordered Chinese food for delivery to her NY apartment. 30 minutes after ordering, Larissa gets a call saying that the delivery guy will be coming in 5 minutes, and she slowly wends her way down to the building lobby to await her food.
After a few minutes, an Asian guy on a bike shows up at the door carrying a big brown paper bag–the traditional conveyance for Chinese delivery. As the guy enters, Larissa takes out her wallet and goes up to him. She starts counting cash and turns to the guy saying, “So, how much do I owe you?” There is a long pause as the guy stares blankly at her, and then with a flash of astonished comprehension says, “Um…dude…these are my groceries.”
At this, Larissa’s jaw hits the floor and her cheeks turn the color of boneless spareribs in utter humiliation. Just as she’s about to stammer a tremulously contrite “I’m sorry,” Larissa’s next door neighbor walks into the building. Upon seeing the the ill-fated duo, the neighbor turns shouts out a jovial, “Hey Larissa! How’s it going? Hey, have you met Steve? He’s just moved in.” To which the Asian guy replies through clenched teeth, “Oh. We’ve met!”
Anyhow, the Patriots beat the Jets as expected, utilizing their running game to overcome the nasty weather. The The Food Monkey Regional Football Meal Program once again performed flawlessly.
Next time: Cuban Sandwiches against Miami
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