Legal Sea Foods
Long Wharf
Boston
$22.95

When Bostonist proposed a series of mid-summer lobster roll reviews, we came up with a handful of local favorites: seafood shacks, sandwich shops, and bistros. But most people who pass through the city never see these places; tourists get their lobster rolls at Boston Harbor. So we resigned ourselves to review the lobster roll that is definitive for many visitors. We went to Legal Sea Foods.

Naturally, we couldn't convince anybody to go with us.

The first thing you notice about Legal is the tourists. Inside and outside; on the patio and along the sidewalk. At the host's stand, jockeying for position. One guy got so close to Bostonist's backside that we thought we had discovered some new form of German sex tourism: chain restaurant frottage.

The second thing you notice is the columns. There is a a pair of them, early 21st century prefabricated art deco with tiles in blues and greens, which frame an oyster bar right inside the entrance. Eating solo, this is where we headed, avoiding the wait for a table.

The waitstaff had thick Boston accents and made an effort at friendliness before quickly disappearing, which was just as well for Bostonist, who had a few snarky words to jot down about Legal's fake wood panelling.

The lobster roll came shortly after we ordered it, and onlookers probably saw our face darken. If this is the lobster roll tourists associate with Boston, they probably think that we are either very stingy or going through some sort of lobster famine. The lobster meat was easily engulfed by the roll, which Legal rather pretentiously calls a "brioche," weighing in at less than a third of a pound.

On the positive side, the adornments were simple. You had lettuce and a kiss of something Legal calls "celery mayonnaise," although the celery was so understated as to be unnoticeable.

The meat itself was undistinguished, yielding the right chewy consistency but withholding the mysteries of the sea that are such a pleasure when eating lobster. One bite gave us a fleeting taste of the briny deep, but it was too soon replaced by a flavor that could be the lobster equivalent of prefabricated art deco restaurant columns.

But the biggest disappointment remains this: After finishing our roll, fries, and slaw, we still had room for desert. At a granny-robbing $22.95, Legal should be ashamed.

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