Sports Redux: Flat and Flattened

There's not enough lipstick in the world to cover up this pig. It's been a long, long time since we've had to report on a Patriots game that was this hard to think about, let alone write about. The Pats welcomed Miami to Foxboro with open arms, a red carpet, and a map to the end zone, and as a result are 38-13 victims.

The story of the game was the Miami offense, which left the New England D looking like they were both stoned and playing in two inches of jam. Several times, Miami tried trick plays - snaps to the running back, fake reverses, etc., and the Patriots responded as if they were defending against a team that was playing in another stadium. The Dolphins' Ronnie Brown ran four four touchdowns (usually on the direct-snap play), threw for another one, and drove off in Bill Belichick's car. It was that kind of day.

The offense never really got on track. If you want to be spiteful and nitpicky, you can say that Matt Cassel never really recovered from a dubious in-the-grasp sack early on, since he immediately threw an interception and never got back to his game-management offense. Which is admittedly tough when you're coming back from a 20-point deficit. The only Patriot we're really proud of today is Ellis Hobbs, who returned a couple of Miami kicks for great field position. Which clearly didn't really help. Now the Pats have a bye week, and we're going to trust that Bill won't let them out of the compound for two weeks as they prepare for the 49ers. Oh, and Joey Porter? Nice game. Dammit.

While the Patriots were being uncharacteristically crappy, Daisuke Matsuzaka was in Toronto being uncharacteristically in command, giving up only two hits and (!)two walks as he dominated the Jays in a 3-0 win. Ortiz provided most of the offense with a 2-run homer. The Sox could have clinched if the Yankees had lost last night. There was a ""pretty good chance I'll be asleep" then, said Terry Francona. In any event, the Yankees won, so the Sox do in fact have to win at least once this week to avoid a one-game Armageddon, and Tito didn't miss anything.

If the Sox do eliminate the Yankees this week, New York fans will get to look at Josh Beckett, towering over Times Square on a TBS postseason ad. Too bad nobody from New York ever actually goes to Times Square.

The Bruins - yes, the Bruins! - begin their quest to build something on last season's mild success. They play their first preseason game against the Canadiens tonight in Nova Scotia. The Globe says Manny Fernandez is ready to take on some goalie duties after missing 99.9% of last season. The B's are also really excited about getting Patrice Bergeron back in action after his nightmarish 07-08 season. It's not on TV, though, so don't plan your night around it.