Alterna-Yule: The Slutcracker at the Somerville Theatre

You could always shell out 90 smackers for a front row seat to Boston Ballet's annual production of Tchaikovsky's "The Nutcracker." You'll get a nice plushy red seat at the Opera House, and be treated to the usual saccharine parade of sugar plum fairies, mouse soldiers, and marzipan shepherds.

But screw that noise. Bypass the usual Yuletide crowds and check out a juicy new alternative—"The Slutcracker." Yes, they really did just make that easy pun, and you really did just laugh at it. This freshly christened holiday tradition is brought to you by a loose federation of Boston performance troupes of all stripes—though mostly the dirty kind.

For three nights only at the Somerville Theatre, a sundry coalition of burlesque performers, drag kings, can-can dancers, hoola-hoopists, and more will put up a very special retelling of E.T.A. Hoffman's classic story. And by "very special," we mean with dildos and nipple tassels.

In this version, our young dreamer Clara finds a sex toy waiting for her under the Christmas tree. It leads her to a kinky-freaky-sexy land where she discovers… the true meaning of Christmas? Something like that, anyway.

The production is helmed by Sugar Dish (nee Vanessa White), director of local burlesque troupe Babes in Boinkland. She's gotten choreography and performance help from the likes of All the Kings Men, Ballet Lolita, Can Can Revolution, and Big Moves.

"The Slutcracker" shimmies to the stage December 12-14 at the Somerville Theatre. It's at 8pm Friday and Saturday, and 2pm on Sunday for the kids. But seriously—don't bring the kids. It's 18+, natch. Tickets can be had at the Somerville's box office, on their website (where the show is chastely listed as "The WHATcracker"), or at 617-625-5700.

And if you really want to get into the spirit of the season, nothing says "God rest ye merry gentlemen" like skintight pleather.

Post contributed by Jenna Scherer.