We already talked about how cities make you fat and stupid, but more evidence is piling up by the day. Soon the pile will be as high as the circumference of our collective waistline! And that is quite a measurement. Now that 59 percent of Massachusetts adults are obese, the state is starting a campaign to curb obesity, said obesity presumably being caused by the terror of living in cities that bombard us with overwhelming amounts of information.
This very well-planned government campaign (clearly designed by city dwellers) against personal choice relies in part on humiliating weigh-ins for schoolchildren and the public display of fast-food menus that will tell us what we already knew: fast food is incredibly terrible and disgusting.
We expect that this plan will further decrease fat kids' self-esteem (thus encouraging them to eat more!) and have absolutely no effect on parents too stupid to realize that their children are fat. (And considering the majority of Massachusetts adults are fat, can we really expect the children to be any thinner?) We particularly dislike the emphasis that this plan puts on weight, rather than overall health. If your kid is stocky but in shape, he might get assigned to Team Obesity, but Britni Bulimia over there can keep losing her lunch in hopes that Quarterback Ted will notice her someday. Perfect.
We also predict that the plan will have absolutely no effect on anyone sufficiently dumb or apathetic to eat fast food. If you did not know that the Dunkin Donut or Egg McMuffin you had for breakfast contained more calories than Michael Phelps eats in a week, you might just deserve the early death that obesity can bring.
In investigating the state fight on fat, the Globe obtained a fascinating quote from Dr. Caroline Apovian, director of the Nutrition and Weight Management Center at Boston Medical Center:
People often really are not aware of what's sitting on their plate—it's a big portion, they're talking to their friends, they have no way of knowing exactly what they're eating.
Really, doc? No way of knowing? No way of going on the internet and checking calorie counts? No way of asking our server? Are people truly so unaware of what's sitting on their plates that they're accidentally consuming electronics, small children, and insects while talking to their friends? Can Applebee's serve us lizards and stickers without us realizing? No, of course not (we hope). Most of us are just too poor, lazy, and/or pressed for time to eat the way we know we should eat: healthfully and locally, where possible.
Tossing aside the government's plan (which surely stems from concern for our "health," rather than for how much it is paying for our health insurance and care), we have a brilliant way to make Bay Staters less fat: weather that doesn't suck. When it is pleasant outside, it is pleasant to exercise, even if only mildly. When it is fucking cold outside, it is pleasant to lie on the couch with hot cocoa and cookies and watch reruns of Seinfeld. That Jerry!
Clearly, Massachusetts' only hope for slimming down is (global) warming up. Bostonians, please stop recycling and start running the faucet all day long. Make sure to wash your dishes and clothing one item at a time—and wash twice, if necessary. Trade up for a Hummer and drive around aimlessly. With your dedication, we can increase our carbon footprint enough to decrease our waistline. When Boston hits 80 degrees in December, we'll know we have won. Or maybe we should all just move to California.
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