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We've long thought about how we should have a WTF Award for Daily Journalism. The criteria would be simple: a headline or article that leaves the reader baffled. In honor of Boston.com's "Boston Latin officials seek to quash 'vampire' rumors" article on the homepage today, we've decided that the time has come. Congrats, Boston.com. You and Twi-hards (diehard fans of the Stephenie Meyer book-turned-movie-series) rule the day.
Confused? Join the club. Here's the basic gist of what prompted this article: rumors spread through Boston Latin on Wednesday that there were vampires in their midst. While the article doesn't say this specifically, we get the impression from the leering photo of Robert Pattinson that accompanies the front page link that somehow there was either an unconfirmed RPattz (as the gals call him) sighting or these students really think vampires exist. Either way...yeah.
In the hopes that we here at Bostonist can set aside our snarking and conduct a bit of basic human good, we've created a short checklist that will help you or your favorite student figure out whether rumors of vampire presence are fact or fiction. We urge you to print this out, pass it along to everyone you can and, above all, remain vigilant. In the event of an actual vampire appearance, proactivity would be key. After all, we doubt the Guardian Angels could keep these guys in check.
Image from Amazon
Answer yes or no:
- Does the Suspected Vampire (SV) disappear whenever sunshine breaks out?
- If caught in sunshine, does SV dazzle like diamonds?
- Does SV speak as though James Dean and Marlon Brando had a lovechild?
- Do SV's eyes change on any given day from gold to black?
- Has the school mascot inexplicably gone missing?
- Have any vans been crushed in the student parking lot?
- Is there one pain in the butt kid in class totally killing the bell curve in biology, seemingly without even trying to study?
- If you walk up to SV and say, "Hey, Robert Pattinson," does SV respond?
If the answer to these questions is no, just go back to reading your favorite book in the series or watch the DVD for the 300th time. If the answer is yes, though, get in touch with Bostonist right away. We helped you, so the least you could do is give us an exclusive.
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Man, the Globe has to stop plagiarizing South Park:
http://www.southparkstudios.com/episodes/210813/
They are not real vampires, per se.