Boston Racism Watch: Bob Ryan Says Brown People Are Cheaters

Did you need a reason to wish the Globe to death today? Sports columnist Bob Ryan has one for you: Untrammeled bigotry!

Sure, Boston in general and Boston baseball in particular have a proud history of hating just about anything that isn't white and pasty, but those days are behind us, right? Well, no.

In today's column, Ryan breaks down the baseball steroids controversy in terms that even Tom Yawkey can understand:

Would you not agree with the following?

1. All sluggers are suspect.
2. All Caribbean-based sluggers are doubly suspect.
3. All Dominican sluggers should be booked and read their Miranda rights.

Sadly, that’s where we are.

It’s clear that there has been a more casual attitude toward the use of PEDs by Caribbean-based players, and it’s undeniable that PEDs are easily available down there, especially in the Dominican Republic, which has become an irreplaceable source of baseball talent.

He goes on to acquit gritty David Eckstein from using steroids because, well, he's white and he sucks at baseball.

We think Ryan might be on to something, and we've sent our Bostonist interns to Santo Domingo to dig up the birth certificates of Lenny Dykstra, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Paul LoDuca, Roger Clemens, Rick Ankiel, and Éric Serge Gagné. We're also tracking down the entry visa of Mitchell Report source Kirk Randomski to get to the bottom of steroid distribution schemes down south. And, we'll be calling Caribbean-based health organization BALCO for comment. We'll get to the bottom of this.

But, seriously. Bostonist knows where we are, and where we are is sad. Would you not agree with the following?

1. All journalists are probably drunk bigots.


2. All Boston sports journalists are doubly suspect.


3. All Boston sports journalists with Irish ancestry should have breathalyzers installed on their computers.

We think you know where we're heading with this. So, is Bob Ryan one of those dudes with a lifetime job guarantee? Because, if so, we sort of take back anything nice we've said about the Boston Newspaper Guild.