Massholes: The New Jersey Shore? Practice Tonight

Ah, Jersey Shore. A mind-numbing yet strangely gripping television show about incredibly tan folks who drink, fight, and fuck an incredible amount. (At least it gave us a fun name generator.)

To commemorate the last episode of Jersey Shore (airing tonight on MTV), Slate proposes a followup to Jersey Shore: Massholes. Set in West Dennis, on the Cape, the show would follow Sox/Celtics/Pats fans as they celebrate wins and mourn losses, sun themselves on the Cape, and chug Sam or 'gansett like nobody's business.

Just as our state was divided in the Scott Brown situation, Slate asserts that:

There are two main Masshole strands: Kennedy-lite types, often from the North Shore or Boston's wealthy Metro West area, who go to small New England liberal arts colleges (Bowdoin, Colby, Dartmouth) and wear lots of khaki; and more blue-collar types, often from South Boston or one of the commonwealth's harder-knock-cities (Everett, New Bedford), who share a hairdo: a weathered Sox cap in the warmer months, a fleece-lined Pats hat in the winter.

It's a gross understatement to say these types "will probably not get along very well": read the comments on any online article about Scott Brown to see what we mean. But it's not clear from the Slate article what the interesting part of Massholes would be (not that it's clear what's interesting about Jersey Shore besides the unbelievable absurdity of it all). Will watching people watch sports really make for a hit TV show? Are we turning class conflict into entertainment? And didn't we just finish watching these two groups face off in the political realm?

The proposed characters don't ring particularly true (a commenter does a much better job of breaking it down) and aren't that funny, either:

Sarah "Animal" Conti, 21, Worcester, Mass. Sarah never goes anywhere without her No. 12 Tom Brady Jersey or her trademark hairdo: a slicked-back ponytail with lots of bobby pins. Her girls back home nicknamed her "Animal," because when her hair is down, she looks like the eponymous muppet. Also because she drinks like a bear.

A jersey and a ponytail do not interesting television make, even when drinking's involved (by the cast members or the television watchers). The amazing thing about Jersey Shore, for most viewers, is that it's so hard to believe these people are real: Pauly D. "owns a tanning bed in his house and spends around 25 minutes daily on his hair," for Chrissake (though Pauly, a Rhode Island native, is at least proposed as the crossover character from the Shore to the Cape). At least for people living in this state, these Massholes are all too real—and we don't need to turn on the TV to find them. And like we said, we just lived this experience through our Senate race. And it made us nothing but sad.

So personally, we might rather see MA Men come to fruition. But if you need your Jersey Shore fill, there is a Jersey Shore finale party tonight at McFadden's (148 State Street), featuring Pauly D (and his hair, and his tan) live and in person, not to mention "Best Snookie Tan" and "Best Situation" contests and a wave runner giveaway. The show's last episode (of the season? of all time?) airs tonight on MTV, followed by a reunion special.