Harvard Doofuses: Slummin' it at Tufts

You would think that after Harvard went broke, destroyed the global economy, and revealed its students' limited capacity for walking, that the school would just shut up for a second and stop giving us new reasons to hate and mock it. But, if Harvard did that, would it not cease to be Harvard?

Yes, enthusiastically yes, answer Alexander J. Ratner and Lillian Yu, staff writers for the Harvard Crimson. Ratner and Yu had the unmitigated daring to go all the way to Tufts University for a night of slummin' it with the less fortunate fratties at a school that they discover is "surprisingly close" to their own.

What did they expect would happen once they reached Jumboland?

We had a friend who knew about a party—a big one, with frat-ish people doing keg stands all over the place, and thousands of girls just waiting to slay themselves at our feet the moment they first got a peek at our Harvard gear. After all, isn’t this exactly what happened in high school? But we would brush away the siren fingers that playfully traced out the H’s on our jackets, knowing that on Valentine’s night, we would accept nothing less than true love.

You can't make this stuff up. After "bantering in French" with some creepy cab driver who knows just a little too much about where the co-eds go to party, the duo arrives to find nobody willing to give it up for some Harvard Crimson, and a lot of weirdness:

The turnout was surprisingly scarce, but we now had a more urgent problem: our friend C. had elusively disappeared into the skimpy pockets of people and become our night’s Waldo [...] We began our search in the small room that was serving as a bar. Three girls pirouetted violently on the dance floor while a frazzled frat brother nursed a paper cup.

People who fit into pockets? Women pirouetting violently? A man nursing a cup? This sounds less like a frat party than a Genesis P-Orridge video! The evening ends when some drunk woman pukes and Ratner and Yu return to the comforting embrace of John Harvard.

As slumming missions go, this one just didn't impress us. After all, Tufts has long been on the list of schools approved for Final Club. Want to be really daring? Take a trip to MIT.