Results tagged “Gisele Bündchen”

People says that Gisele Bündchen is preggers—for real this time—and while we find few things more hideous than pregnancy and birth, the pregnancy and eventual spawning of a nasty, emaciated fashion model might be one of the most disgusting things we have ever considered. Will the baby be superhuman? Will anybody be shot? We honestly don't care. We're only posting this for the pageviews. Thanks for clicking.

I know why you are here. You are wondering how this could be allowed to happen. In a world full of sustained conflict and suffering, when a hero is most needed, why is mankind denied the only one who knows the path to victory - the very path he forged himself? For once fellow citizens, I have no answers. This morning I do not feel like the pinnacle of man, the offspring of living gods, or the genetically perfect creation capable of miraculous healing and throwing footballs to the moon. No - this morning, like many of you, I woke up hoping it was a dream but all too quickly realized I had shit my pants yesterday. Mother knew something was wrong immediately when instead of the lavendar-scented golden treasures I usually leave in my silken diapers, I had instead crapped a pantload of Sacagawea dollars. I mean, you can't even give those things away.

Puzzled by a correction posted on our earlier report concerning a certain resident of New York City, his child, and his freakishly tiny lover, Bostonist tracked down the source. We have to admit: the Brady Baby probably knows what happened better than we do.